Positive Parenting Means Loving Our Children the Way They Need to be Loved
There is much misunderstanding of the positive parenting idea. So, I wanted to approach this from my own perspective. I have spoken before about acceptance being at the heart of how we handle challenging circumstances and certainly raising children can be challenging. If we adopt an attitude of acceptance then the challenge is likely to be less painful for both parent and child!
Accepting our children and loving them unconditionally starts with us, the parents. Click to tweet
This doesn’t change regardless of how our children behave. It doesn’t change if they mouth off, if they’re diagnosed with a supposed malady, they get poor grades in school or even how we’re feeling in the moment. Our commitment to our children should always reflect acceptance, positive regard and support.
Positive parenting with acceptance does NOT mean laissez-faire, lazy parenting!
This in no way disregards our responsibility as the parent to correct our children when necessary and to demonstrate good values and morals. Children are wonderful at imitating what they see in the home. The difference is in our attitude and level of respect. We respect our children because they are human and for that very reason they deserve respect. This is what makes the difference between a conscious parent and an unconscious one. Conscious positive parenting with acceptance is an aware state. It is a state where we are as aware of our own behavior as we are of our child’s reaction to it.
Children of all ages act out. Heck, we as parents have been known to act out. Why would we expect them to be any different? It’s up to us to let them know they are still safe, still loved, still accepted even when their behavior makes us uncomfortable. Even when they throw a tantrum and even when your 15 year old sneaks out of the house to be with her boy friend.
Withdrawing love during those challenging times doesn’t work to raise a confident healthy adult. We must check our own behavior and attitude and realize that making mistakes and going against authority is all part of growing up. The child that doesn’t do those things may be holding onto unhealthy thoughts and emotions that could erupt in a far more destructive manner later in life.
In an interview with Andrew Solomon he says
All parenting involves striking a balance between changing your child and accepting your child. Those are two disparate objectives. We change our children in a thousand ways: we educate them; we teach them manners and character; we vaccinate them; we toilet train them and show them how to brush their teeth. We also need to recognize the qualities in them that are immutable: their basic personality and character, their sexuality, their intelligence.
http://www.themotherco.com/2013/09/accepting-your-children-for-who-they-are/
Respect is a crucial part of acceptance and positive parenting
We must respect our basic differences and let our kids be who they are. Click to tweet
When we know that our children are an expression of life, of the times we live in and of perfection, we can nurture who they are and not who we want them to be. All the pushing and pulling and frantic molding stops as soon as we understand they really are their own person. We can relax and accept them when we know they have a reason for being exactly who they are. Then we stop expecting their behavior to always reflect ours and we respect their purpose and their path. Then, we have arrived at positive parenting; reinforcing their own positive view of themselves not trying to force them into some “acceptable” way of being.
Our culture is so caught up in control. Parents have to be in control! We’re in charge! We’re so afraid of raising the kind of child that our culture so openly disdains. Spoiled. Bratty. Disrespectful. Frankly, we’re more worried about our own shame we’d face than about what our kids are feeling. We are a culture terrified of permissiveness. Alfie Kohn says, “The problem is not permissiveness, but our fear of permissiveness.” I agree with Alfie. I certainly don’t see much “permissiveness” where I live. Quite the contrary, in fact. However, when ditching the old paradigm of control and fear, it can be easy to fall into permissiveness, but don’t be mistaken. Positive parenting is not about a lack of limits. It’s not about not disciplining children. It’s not about respecting them to the extreme degree that we never tell them “no.” That isn’t healthy for the child either.
http://www.positive-parents.org/2013/05/how-to-respect-your-child-through.html
When our children demonstrate different opinions, when they seem to have fallen very far from the tree it is natural for many of us to feel insulted. After all haven’t you heard from your own parents “Well, if it was good enough for me it’s good enough for you.” That attitude just does not work and isn’t respectful. To learn more about acceptance of our children we need to cultivate acceptance of ourselves! Ask yourself, was the parenting you received as a child, positive parenting or did you feel always under pressure to conform to others’ ideals? Boundaries for our children are important, it makes them feel safe, to explore who they are and positive parenting with acceptance celebrates their exploration.
If we’re really conscious we find it rather amazing that a child with a different purpose and point of view was born to us. Born in a sense to continue evolving the species. This is a wondrous and amazing thing. I am not saying that it is easy to raise a child who is very different from yourself, and maybe other members of the family; it can be a challenge. However, the acceptance you develop, the positive parenting approach you adopt can make the challenge a positive experience for the entire family.
For some, the realization of just how special their child is, can be awesome! My radio guest this week has a unique perspective on this.
Meg Blacburn Losey Ph.D has been studying and writing about special children for the last nine years and she has some very interesting ideas on the subject.
Listen to this fascinating interview, here
We have to remember that our children are a gift to be nurtured and loved and not a possession we expect to meet certain criteria. We can adopt a positive parenting approach through acceptance of our children’s uniqueness.
Do let me know what you think? Please leave a comment below
Great blog on Positive Parenting!!!! Very insightful!! I look forward to them every Sunday!