Loss of Identity Can Happen to Anyone
Ever felt , “I don’t know who I am anymore?”…..it can be terrifying, waking up one morning and feeling this huge yawning gap..a horrible emptiness that makes you feel sick to the stomach.
Identity is that collection of attributes that defines how we see ourselves. It is the answer to the question: Who am I? Anyone who has ever seriously asked themselves that question may have found that the answer is not as obvious as one might think it should be.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lorenz-sell/self-identity_b_3779389.html
Experiencing a loss of identity can creep up on you or hit you after a traumatic event. None of us are immune to this. Life throws curve balls and we can only deal with them as they happen. Sometimes it is easier to deal with these feelings if we can identify the event that triggered the loss of identity, and some are obvious. Losing a loved one, losing a job, the end of a significant relationship are all life events that can result in a loss of identity. They are terrible when they happen, but we are at least aware that these events can change our lives. We also get support on these occasions; most of our friends and family will rally round in a crisis. However, the long lasting impact of these life events can be underestimated as too can the feelings of losing our identity; eventually we are expected to “get over it”. What if the event that triggers this loss of identity is less obvious? I want to look at both; life changing events that trigger a loss of identity and less obvious things that can impact on our sense of self and sense of purpose.
Loss of Identity After Major Trauma
When we lose a loved one through illness, accident, death of any kind we experience denial, grief, rage, fear, depression, and go through stages of recovery that are well documented. I have covered the stages of grief in another post. However we may deal with this loss, often we are also experiencing another loss, a loss of identity and purpose. We may work our way through our anger and grief and arrive at a place of acceptance that our loved one has gone but we have also lost ourselves. It can be really difficult to put your life back together after loss and even harder if you no longer know who you are. Sadly, society often defines us by what we do and the social unit we are part of. So, a widow is no longer a married woman, a mother, a partner..she is suddenly just herself. Your identity is wrapped up in the relationships you have and the “value” you contribute to society.
Your life habits are connected to another person; so silly things such as the side of the bed you sleep on; which TV programs you watch; who uses the shower first in the morning; all become overwhelmingly important. Now, you have to make decisions only about yourself and your needs and wants may not be something you are used to dealing with. Similar feelings are experienced by those going through divorce or separation. Newly single people often have absolutely no idea what to do with themselves as their purpose had been so closely linked to another person.
How to recognize you are experiencing loss of identity
After loss of any kind we still have to live, feed ourselves, do the washing up, take the kids to school. These practical necessities can be a life saver; they are at least a routine, a familiar set of tasks. Serious depression can upset even these most basic routines and if you feel unable to even get out of bed then I urge you to seek professional help. If, however, like most people you manage the basic functions, it may appear that you are “coping” well. Others may commend you on how you are “handling” things, but inside it is a different matter. You get to the end of the day and wonder, “Is that it? Is this my life now?” If you are feeling that way, you are experiencing a loss of identity, a loss of purpose.
Ask yourself the following questions…
1. What will I be doing in a year’s time, a month’s time, a week’s time? Loss of identity often manifests itself as an inability to plan beyond the day ahead.
2. How do I define myself? Can you say who you are, what impact you have on the world around you, what you are known for? This does not have to be “world leader and Nobel Prize winner”!! It is simply, how do you see yourself in relation to your immediate world? If you cannot see your place in the world, you are experiencing a loss of identity.
3. How do others define you? Can you list adjectives others use to describe your personality? Can you smile at the thought of your friends talking about you? When we cannot imagine anyone saying good things about us we are suffering low self-esteem and a loss of identity.
When a loss of identity is a result of something supposedly good!
A friend of mine was really pleased when she was offered the chance of early retirement from her stressful job. Great, she thought, now I can do what I really want to with my life. It took her six months to realize that she was sliding into depression because she no longer knew who she was. She had been defined by her job, her status, her career achievements and now did not have these definitions. With counseling and coaching she was able to redefine herself and yes, now she is doing what she wants. However, for some time she experienced a loss of identity which terrified her. She lost her sense of purpose and also had to deal with the envy of those around her who assumed she was really enjoying retirement!
Maybe you are a maturer person whose kids have finally gone off to college? It is great to see your children succeed, but now what? Your friends with younger children constantly tell you how lucky you are, but the house echoes with absent laughter and you find yourself miserable and without a structure to your day. You are experiencing a loss of identity; you are still a parent, but it is no longer your primary function.
When loss of identity creeps up on you
It may be that nothing significant has happened in your life. No huge defining moments but you are experiencing an uncomfortable feeling of lost purpose. Changes have crept up on you that you hardly noticed. Your job is run of the mill; your relationship is just OK; you are not really needed but you don’t know what direction you would like to go! This sense that you have little purpose can be very unsettling. You feel at odds with your world but don’t know what you want to do differently, just that you wish it were different. This can be the hardest loss of identity to cope with. Those around you look at your life and tell you that you should be thankful but gratitude for your life is furthest from your mind. It is worth starting with the idea of gratitude, because not everything in your life is bad, you have just lost sight of the good. Then you need to take further steps to rediscover your identity and find your purpose.
Overcoming loss of identity
Now, I’m not saying there is a quick fix for this, there is a process and for some it may take time. If you have suffered the devastation of loss of a loved one, you need to deal with your grief first. Your next step is acceptance that at this moment in time you are at a crossroads. The only direction you cannot take is to go backwards. You need to move forward and you have choices; happiness is one of those choices. After loss you need to understand that you do deserve happiness and it is not wrong to wish for it. You may well be feeling anger; it is one of the most destructive emotions for well being, but one of the most persistent, so don’t ignore it. You may well still feel pain and your health may be suffering. This can be managed, and overcome. Your first step is to practice some self-love, some kindness towards your hurting self. Stop punishing yourself for your loss of identity and the loss that has triggered it, let go of the guilt. There are exercises you can do to help recover your sense of self and find your purpose…and I will be covering these in later posts. I will also be releasing a course soon on re-discovering your identity and purpose. For now, practice forgiveness, of yourself and those you feel have deserted you, betrayed you, left you, let you down. Try using positive affirmations to restore your belief in yourself.
Excellent post! It’s going to help a lot of people. Intelligently written and so informative. Peace and love! Michele