Anger Issues - 10 steps to heal the pain

Anger Issues? Not me, how dare you accuse me of being angry!

Let’s face it, unless you are a Buddhist monk it is likely at some point in your life you have experienced anger issues. Actually, Buddhist monks were mean fighters in the past so I guess that even they are not immune to anger issues! We all get angry sometimes; it is the level of anger that is the issue. The lingering after taste of an angry outburst can literally damage our spirits, it is like a poison in our souls. Click to Tweet

We are only human and there are some situations that demand anger as the correct response. We should be angry about suffering, child poverty, war, injustice and oppression of people’s rights. If we were indifferent, nothing would change. Some would call that righteous anger and if properly channeled that anger can actually do good; it pushes us into action and to stand up against the oppressor.

However, personal anger that churns away in our stomachs, that makes us sick with pain, that anger is not healthy and we need to deal with it. Anger issues that make us sick need to be healed.

Why do we have anger issues and what are common responses to them?

When you have been wronged you may experience anger rather than sorrow. Anger is a natural stage of grief. If left unexpressed, the anger at the loss of a loved one can become embedded, unresolved and fester into something far worse, a wound that won’t heal and destroys your well being. It is only natural to feel anger when someone has hurt us, or cheated us or been unreasonable or downright rude. Our emotions perceive these wrong doings as a threat and an instinctive response is anger. It only becomes unhealthy when we won’t let go of the anger issues that make us see the world through a red mist.

Anger becomes an issue when it is our default emotion for everything; the car that cuts you off on the freeway; the spilled coffee; the criticism given by a superior; a loved one’s refusal to comply with a request. If your response to every setback in life is rage, then you have anger issues!

Sometimes anger arises from frustration.

A child breaks the toy that won’t work the way they want it to; a thump on the car that won’t start; a scream of fury when your computer freezes for the fifteenth time and you lose all your (unsaved) work! This anger is directed at the object but you are really angry with yourself at not achieving your goal.

Common responses to anger are shouting, throwing things, even violent punching of walls, pillows, anything you cannot actually hurt. Uncommon and dangerous responses are physical harm of others or self. A good yelling can be cathartic as long as it is not directed at another person; it is at least expressing your anger and getting it “out of your system”.

Steps for dealing with anger issues safely and then move on to healing your anger issues

Your first step to handling your anger issues is to acknowledge the anger. Click to Tweet Many of us, especially women, have been brought up to think that anger should be suppressed. It is somehow unladylike or unacceptable to show anger. If your anger is left unacknowledged and unexpressed it gets pushed down inside you. There it brews and becomes far worse often showing itself in physical illness such as headaches and stomach upsets.

How you express your anger should be safely! Again there is often a difference between the sexes; men may feel a physical expression is more satisfying whereas women may use vocal expression. The problem with any violent expression of anger is it can be frightening. Not just for those around you but yourself. Realizing you are so angry that you are shouting until you are hoarse can be exhausting and terrifying; not healing which is the goal here. Understanding you are angry and that you need to let it out is important, now you need to find a way to release that anger in a productive manner. I have a friend who cleans her kitchen floor when she is angry! Now that is what I call productive, but that may not work for you! The point is to translate that anger into physical activity, literally, in her case, she scrubs the anger out. Others find going for a run or a jog is therapeutic, certainly getting outside when you feel anger boiling up inside makes good sense. We are less likely to express anger negatively when outside, although finding a remote spot and shouting can sometimes help! Removing yourself from the source of your anger issues is a practical step but only deals with the immediate problem.

Learn to breathe..deep 4 x 4 breathing takes the edge off the immediate fight or flight response that stirs when we are angry. Go here to learn how to do this. Short term you need to handle your anger as it arises, but long term you need to look more deeply into why you have these anger issues and be able to reach for some help inside of yourself when the anger comes.

Steps to long term healing of your anger issues

You have acknowledged the anger and handled the immediate reaction, now take some time to reflect

You need to learn forgiveness and this can be hard but for your long term health it is well worth it. Some anger is slow burning, it sits deep inside of us and erupts when we least expect it. These anger issues are often closely linked to resentment and fear and we may well be angry at ourselves and our inability to manage a situation. Your first step is to forgive yourself- you are not superhuman and sometimes you get things wrong. See my post on forgiveness…

Forgiving yourself is crucial for healing. To forgive yourself, you must accept that you were/are vulnerable and allow yourself to be human.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/liking-the-child-you-love/201010/anger-forgiveness-and-healing

Understanding that you cannot control everything, you need to work out what it is you are truly angry about. Anger issues born of frustration are annoyance at ourselves for not being able to make other things work! Be realistic; things break, malfunction, simply do not work sometimes, it is not personal, why are you taking it personally? Is it that you feel as if, “nothing ever works for me”? This is victim mentality and does you no good. Remember, the universe hands back exactly what you put out there. If you believe that nothing will work out for you, guess what, nothing will!

Stop trying to be perfect- nobody is perfect and if you set yourself up this way then you will fail and anger will follow. Be the best version of yourself possible and understand things go wrong sometimes. The next time you are struggling to make something work, walk away from it. Take five, have a cup of coffee, a juice, a walk outside, gain some perspective. Allow your mind to figure out what is going wrong without directly trying to make it go right. You will find that removed from the frustration you can think more clearly and the solution is likely to arrive.

Forgiving others- much harder when you are in the throes of the pain you feel they have inflicted. If somebody close to you has hurt you and you are angry, confronting them is likely to put them on the defensive, they will lash out further and the anger is multiplied on both sides; a recipe for disaster. Again, if you can, walk away, remove yourself from the immediate pain. Try to see the situation from their point of view; did you say hurtful things too, did you trigger their anger? If you feel that the hurt was only coming from them then recognize what it was that was so hurtful and resolve not to be that person yourself. “Tit for tat” behaviour does not heal anger it fuels it.

Find a way to let them know what they did that made you feel angry as they may not actually be aware of it! Do not speak to them in the “heat” of anger you need clarity and calm to resolve this. It may be easier to write it down for yourself before talking to the other person. This can help you to discover exactly what feelings were triggered- anger often covers up feelings of insecurity and fear; it is a defence mechanism.

Moving on from anger to true healing. You have acknowledged the anger, forgiven yourself, attempted to forgive the other person and recognized what was at the root of the anger. Now you can heal- acknowledge that life can be painful but we choose how to respond to that pain. Does anger make you feel better? Usually not. So, choosing a different response will reduce the pain not add fuel to the flames.

Replace the anger with understanding- of yourself, the situation and the other person. Visualize a calm soothing place where the anger is washed away and you come out of it stronger and back in control..see my visualization book for help with this.

Your anger issues are yours, not someone else’s. We own our emotional responses and can choose how we respond to the world around us. If you feel your anger issues are more deep seated, due to childhood trauma, for example, then I urge you to seek counselling. Anger is a destructive emotion and it harms those experiencing it and those around them.

I want you to be able to learn how to manage your life so that you are in control. So, this month I am releasing a master class video course, FREE to my subscribers, about “Making the Law of Attraction Work for You.” You can get on the early bird list for this course by clicking on the image below. Make 2015 the year where your default emotion is not anger, but happiness!