Coming to terms with addiction
I cannot believe how much I hated it. I detested this thing that had subtly seized my mind from a very young age and was still today successfully robbing my joy, my choice, and most importantly for me, my freedom. It took me years to not just name this thing but admit to its presence as it would classify my brokenness. Admitting that I had a Food Addiction would mean that I was not that good girl I was supposed to be. Today, I can happily say, damn it, I am an addict.
Food has been my comfort sole provider for more years than I care to admit. It saved me through my challenging childhood, my self-developing college years, my difficult marriage, and my husband’s death. Today it still lives within me, and I can honestly say that I have constantly loathed it. It has managed to strip my happiness and self-trust, while deteriorating my confidence in making right food choices myself. There have been times that the thought of wanting a cupcake had brought me more anxiety than finals week at your local university.
In my lifetime, I have practiced two major behavioural patterns: bingeing, or following a diet plan (at times, even simultaneously). I have yo-yoed between an obscene amount of weight, and I have lost at least 150 pounds from my heaviest to my lightest. I have been a carb free eater, a vegetarian, and a gluten free follower. I have started and stopped a vast amount of diets, and albeit some were temporarily successful, none managed to end my addiction.
Getting off the addiction roller coaster Click to tweet
Then one day I just stopped. I became tired of believing all the external sources for ridding myself of my weight and my addiction. That’s when I decided never to diet again, of course, shooting my fear level off the spectrum. But NOTHING I was doing was working, and I had stepped into this emotionally and psychologically unhealthy roller coaster that was taking me for a ride. I decided to get off the ride.
I realized that so many years of hating my addiction had actually caused me to hate myself. I lived in a world of guilt and shame and believed that I had to be fixed. But, I didn’t know what to do. How would I step away from something that was and still is embedded in my being, something that had helped me through some of the most stressful times in my life? I, however, craved freedom to make my own choices without that voice in my head telling me what to do. I was ready for that freedom from addiction and the return of Me.
It is then that I made a huge discovery. Great self-reflection made me aware of the patterns of hate I was following. I never hated others, but I did hate myself. It occurred to me that the things I wanted in my life such as self-acceptance, freedom, peace, kindness, and patience can only be derived from love, not hate. Yet hate was my inner guide. I had no balance for a healthy mind, body, and spirit experience. My negative thoughts and that nagging voice in my head were leading me away from the love adventure I knew I wanted. I then understood that my addiction had nothing to do with that cupcake I craved and stressed over, but my desire to find myself. My addiction was not a bad choice, bad luck, or a mistake. It was my way to freedom, my path to self, and my return to love.
Love my addiction, Love myself
I am now learning to love my addiction and in turn, love myself. It is part of who I am, but it no longer dictates what I do.
I am coming home. I am creating beautiful things with the natural talents within me, without any dictation from my addiction. I am bringing back inner trust knowing I can eat that cupcake without guilt or shame and trusting that I won’t need another one in an hour. I am being gentle with myself and staying here in the present moment with the confidence that I can handle whatever comes my way without having to escape into a hot fudge sundae. I love myself, with my imperfect body, my beautiful dreams and my loving soul. I feel lighter, not because of my weight, but because I am discarding all thoughts that are not of love, harvesting a quieter mind.
I am not broken. I am an addict but my addiction is a gift, my path to myself. My life is a day by day event, and although I encounter very strong obstacles, my newly found love will overcome my lifetime fear. I have been blessed with the right people and the right tools to guide me to the balance I was born with and deserving of. I am not a spiritual guru or a life coach, but I learned that in the darkest moments of our lives exists the capacity for us to shine the brightest.
Helena Falcon
connect with me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Women-of-Character
or follow me on Twitter at h.angel47
But what if the addiction is destructive?
I appreciate the message conveyed by this post which according me is ‘Love yourself to live a life’ precisely.
But what if, I repeat again, the addiction not at all healthy and even destructive for yourself and the society. You probably can’t appreciate what IS wrong. It will be a harmful delusion!
Abhishek,
Thank you for your comment. Truth is ALL addictions are destructive when active. Destructive to those around us, but most importantly, to ourselves. It is the biggest form of self sabotage because most addicts are aware that they are hurting themselves but not PRESENT enough to stop it. The delusion is thinking we need the addiction to survive. This is with MUCH work and therapy, but it turns the minute our PRESENT awareness surfaces with real truth which is the value of our being and the beauty of our lives WITHOUT that addiction. This is the beginning and the continual path to healing. When we become congruent in all aspects, mind, body, soul, we are able to turn our addiction around. In that path, we find our true selves WITHOUT manipulation but in TRUTH, and this is how our addiction becomes our salvation. It takes dedication, prayer, self-reflection, changing of thoughts, and therapy but it can be done. It is the beautiful discovery of our soul that can release the need for anything that is NOT part of us.
Have a beautiful day.
Helena
My dearest Helena,
You and me know that we had an instant connection since the first day, on FB. Since this day I got to know your heart, from inside. We manage to meet, which was just the confirmation of the person I know. Helena, you are a very nice, wonderful, big hearted, self made, WOMAN, and even though with flaws (which we all have) I love you as you are. Thanks for being there, thanks to the Angels for guiding you in my life. Thanks for U… inside and out!
Detty
Detty,
Thank you my beautiful sister……loved you since the day we met and forever! thank you for following me in my works and all the lovely comments you write. Love you and I am thankful for you.
Just a beautiful in dept testimony filled with sincere feeling and faith of life victory
George,
Thanks for the comment. This is a gift we all carry, the gift of VICTORY…and lessons to be learned in them.
God Bless Always
Great blog. Addiction doesn’t have to dictate your life. Thanks for explaining that 🙂
Michele,
Thank you for the kind words. Things in life only have the power WE give them. Nothing can dictate our lives unless we let it.
Blessings always my dear.