5 Reasons that true love is eluding you
Do you believe in true love or do you think it is something everyone else seems to have except you? You need to realize that your thoughts on true love determine the kind of love you will experience.So, why aren’t you enjoying true love? Let’s look at the reasons.
1. You believe your needs and true love are not compatible
It could be that you haven’t seen a successful, happy relationship that you believe would suit your particular needs, desires and lifestyle. It’s important to realize that just because you haven’t seen it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist and certainly doesn’t mean that it isn’t possible. Maybe your parents did not have a happy marriage and that has colored your thinking on true love. We do tend to define our relationships by what we see close to us. Love and how to love can be influenced by those we feel trigger important emotions in our lives. So, our relatives, especially parents are role models for how we live our lives in the future.
Alternatively you may feel that there is no way you want the kind of relationship your parents had, however loving that was and still is. Perhaps they are very traditional and you have spent a lot of your life rebelling against the conventions that they represent. How love is shown can differ wildly from one relationship to the next. Just because you do not agree with the types of marriages you see around you, or traditional gender roles within a relationship does not mean that you cannot find true love that reflects what you want from life.
You can decide very clearly the type of life and lifestyle you want and fit a loving relationship into that picture. It is possible regardless if you believe it or not.
2. You’ve been looking in all the wrong places
Until you’re completely clear on what makes you happy, the type of people you enjoy being around and the kinds of things you really enjoy doing you’re probably not going to meet that special someone. You might want to read my post on Finding a perfect mate to help you in your search!
Ask yourself if you’ve been busy doing what makes others happy, hanging around people who don’t’ truly “get” you and going through the motions. If that’s the case you’re probably not going to find the “one” in the places you’re finding yourself in.
On the surface these wrong places quite often seem the places you would “expect” to find love; at least that’s what all the dating advice says! The trouble is; if you really don’t much like clubbing, then as you stand there in that bar or club, by the dance floor, hating every minute, you are sending our signals saying exactly that!!
How on earth is true love going to knock on your door when the sign you have hanging out says, “Get me the heck out of here I’m having a miserable time!” On the other hand, if you are doing something you truly enjoy and conversely NOT looking for true love it is much more likely to appear. Why? Because that happy contented you, walking the hills, taking a drawing class, running a marathon; radiates a positive energy that literally attracts into your life what you truly want. The key word here is TRUE. How can you ever achieve true love if you are not being true to yourself first?
3. You haven’t yet identified your deep down partner values
Maybe you have no problem attracting partners, but they are not true love love and the relationships don’t last and somehow feel, ultimately, unsatisfactory. Have you been looking for a “type”? Do you have a particular hair color, a build and height requirement? The movies and magazines would have us believe that true love is instant physical attraction, that there is a particular type, a perfect being that we should all aspire to. How crazy is that? Are you guilty of dismissing a person you’ve just met as “not my type” based solely on physical criteria? Be honest, do your eyes instantly slide past the man with a beard because you, “don’t date bearded men”? Worse, do you regularly find that your relationships crash and burn after a few months and they all seem to have an uncanny similarity in the way they turn from mad passionate attraction to disaster? Are they all similar types of partners?
How much time have you spent deciding how you want to FEEL in a relationship. True love has very little to do with height, weight or hair color. It is much more about shared values and trust. Spend some time really thinking about what you want in a partner. True love needs more than a physical connection. There is a quote by Ellen White that I think describes this well,
True love is not a strong, fiery, impetuous passion. It is, on the contrary, an element calm and deep. It looks beyond mere externals, and is attracted by qualities alone. It is wise and discriminating, and its devotion is real and abiding.
Ellen G White
What qualities in a partner are important to you? Stop thinking about externals and look deeper into what truly matters to you.
4. You’re paying more attention to what you don’t want instead of what you do want
True love is a positive emotion yet we so often approach it from a negative perspective. Remember the key concept of the Law of Attraction and my often quoted wisdom from Wayne Dyer?
“You do not attract what you want, you attract what you are”
If you put your attention on the negative; on what you don’t want in your life, the Universe will oblige with yet more of what you don’t want! Be the person you feel is the true you and like minded people will move into your life. It is far too easy to know what we don’t want in life and to live as if the world is conspiring against us and sending us the wrong people and situations. This is uncomfortably close to a victim mentality. If each time you meet a “potential” partner you are focused on their negative traits, always seeing what you do not like in them and bemoaning the lack of quality in prospective life partners; then that is all you will ever see. There is a great line in a Robbie Williams song (Supreme) where he complains that,
“And all the best women are married
All the handsome men are gay”
Like many songs, it is a song about trying to find a “love supreme”, true love but it is oh so hard because everyone falls short of an ideal. Focusing on what you don’t want means that when what you do want arrives, you may not recognize it for what it is! Perhaps you are scared to actually say out loud what you do want? It is easier to say, “I don’t want a short man, or to date an accountant or anyone with tattoos or a woman with children” Harder to say aloud, to state clearly; “I want a partner that is for freedom and equality; that wants children soon; that is willing to support me in leaving my job and starting my own business”. Does it sound too selfish to be clear about what you DO want in life? Or is it that you don’t actually know what true love might look like because you do not know what you actually want from love and life?
Being clear about your hopes, desires, passions and values is not selfish; it may be scary if you have never given it much thought. However, if you cannot be honest with yourself about your desires, how can you hope to connect with someone else’s hopes and dreams and find true love?
5. You’re trying to please someone else and the relationship they think you’re supposed to have.
So, this is a major block to true love; living a life defined by someone else. Ask yourself truthfully; what does true love look like, to YOU? Is it a picture painted by you or by your parents, friends, even your current partner? Are you living somebody else’s dream of love? As children we are biologically programmed to seek approval from our care givers; it is part of survival. Are you still seeking approval? Maybe you are currently dating someone everyone likes and they tell you how lucky you are to have met this person. Somewhere in the back of your mind is this niggling doubt, an instinct in the pit of your stomach which you do your very best to rationalize. After all, your partner is charming, they have a good job, are kind to animals, have nice curly hair….but still it feels as if something is missing. You tell yourself that true love is the stuff of fairy tales and this partner is a sensible choice for a life mate.
How can true love exist when all around marriage is failing?
You have read countless articles about the rising divorce rates in the US and Europe. You hear blame put on lack of morals; easy divorces in court; a fall in religious worship; the Internet!!! A study conducted by Researchers from the National Fatherhood Initiative found that
“Seventy-three percent of couples said a lack of commitment was the main reason their marriage didn’t work”
“Fifty-six percent of exes surveyed said too much arguing was the reason for their split”
” 55 percent of respondents saying infidelity caused their split.”
“Forty-five percent of respondents said unrealistic expectations eventually led to their divorce.”
What all these reasons have in common is disharmony within the marriage- situations of conflict. I think the most interesting reason cited is the “unrealistic expectations” one. If you expect true love to look like something which has been defined by somebody else, how can it possibly be true love?
How can you bring true love into your life?
If you want true love in your life then you need to start with you. This is not selfish, it is honest. Be clear about who you are first, before trying to connect with another in a loving relationship. Get clear on what really matters to you, what are your most important values? Focus on a person’s qualities, not the color of their hair and do not be influenced by others views on love. Some see life through a distorted lens, rose colored or dark tinted; you need to see clearly.
To quote Wayne Dyer again…
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
Change the way you look at true love. Don’t reject the possibility of a wonderful life, lived on purpose with a partner who nurtures your soul and brings warmth and light into your relationship. You can have true love, believe it, see it and you will bring it into your life.
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